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dextrous

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(humor) 25 quotes
« on: April 14, 2008, 07:51:55 AM »

25 quotes from the late, great Mitch Hedberg (very witty ... though you have to imagine him saying this on stage at a comedy club where most people just don't get it):

1. I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

2. I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

3. I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

4. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

5. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

6. With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

7. I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only an 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.'

8. I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by areally weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and abackpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

9. Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotomus?

10. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver."Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why wegotta keep going in circles?" "Man, you really like Tide."

11. (Pointing to the back of the room as if to relay his post-showwhereabouts.) If you wanna talk to me after the show I'll be ...beepin' surprised.

12. I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks *.

13. We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to".

14. I got an ant farm but them fellas didn'tgrow *. I said c'mon what about some celery?

15. I didn't go to college but if I did I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant "cuz the customer's always right."

16. I don't have any children but if I had a baby I would have to nameit so I'd buy a "baby naming book". Or I would invite somebody over whohad a cast on.

17. "I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back andforth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask itquestions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Doyou keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! Myfan beeping lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain'tsayin' *."

18. If you find yourself lost in the woods, beep it!, build a house."Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved mypredicament."

19. I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide howmany bedrooms there are, don't you? "beep you, Real Estate Lady! Thisbedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sittingaround watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, youhave one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."

20. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bull*.

21. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the beeper gaveme the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for whatpeople would do if they found a million dollars, the beeper gave me the"donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the"keep it!" slice.

22. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

23. I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, thenI go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, Ihave to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

24. I went to the store to buy a candleholder but the store didn't have one, so I got a cake.

25. I’ll tell ya, I go to a craft fair, I see a jar of jelly beans. Theysay, “Guess how many jelly beans are in the jar and you win a prize!”Aw come on, man. Let me just have some. I’ll tell you what, you guesshow many I want. If you said a handful, you are right.
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achutank

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Re: (humor) 25 quotes
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2008, 08:57:52 AM »

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there is more than meets the i
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